The wind is blowing wildly outside right now and the air is crisp with the wavering of Fall and the coming of Winter.
I love the wind. She is my Siren calling me to hear her sing, beckoning me to let her tousle my hair and place cold kisses on my cheeks and nose. With this day being that of a New Moon, I am reveling in the magick of the this beautiful day and this very moment. Yesterday was completely different.
I started yesterday with joyous intentions. Our tree was selected the night before by my wonderful son, and we planned a festive day of holiday music and decorating. As my husband brought in all the holiday totes, I sat down on the floor and started to sort through them. I opened the tote that held the hats and stockings and as I pulled the stockings out one by one, tears started to well up in my eyes. Just as they are starting now while I type this, but my Princess is on my chair next to me as if she knows I need her company right now. I pulled the stockings out and looked at the names written in gold glitter; Lucky, Thunder and Tux. Those are the names of our kitties that have crossed the Rainbow Bridge over the last five years. I held one stocking in my hand and glanced down at it through a blur of tears. It was Dupey's stocking, we unexpectedly lost him late this past September. That one there had sent the tears falling uncontrollably, unstoppable.
I had four more stockings to put aside as I kept thinking about how at one time we had a wonderful array of Christmas stockings hanging from the fire place, 3 dogs, 7 cats, and 4 humans. It was always one of the high points of decorating for me. I started to feel myself longing to be back in that moment before we came here.
I pulled out the four stockings, Peanut, Lil Monster, Tommy and Fezzy. Tommy and Fezzy are hunkering down with my mother-in-law and her furry clan. She was kind enough to take them in when a move almost two years ago forced us to re-home some of our animals. We were renters now and had a pet limit that had to be followed. Monster and Peanut were re-homed to good people we knew. With Peanut we would find out months later that the person we left him with was not who he had led us and others to believe he was. We have no idea what happened to Peanut and it breaks my heart to think about it. All these emotions had taken me to a place that I just surrendered to. I submitted to the guilt, the self hate, the pain of having to make decisions, the anger that we couldn't make things work in the place we were before, the emptiness, the sorrow, the abyss, I succumbed and I let it all run it's course.
There were many more thoughts that contributed to my emotional demise yesterday that don't need to be mentioned here. Where I am going with this is - I let the emotions come to their peak and sat on the floor crying the rest of the day away. To some this may not make sense, it may not seem like something to make all those tears over, and that is OK. This was my pain, a path that I walked, things that I felt a great loss over and had not fully dealt with. So here it was again, in my face not letting me suppress it. So I owned up to it, I accepted it, I gave myself permission to cry over it until I could cry about it no more. I let it go and when I was done, when I could cry no more, I went upstairs to go to bed. I was dehydrated and exhausted, I released a lot of energy that had quietly been weighing me down.
As I laid in my bed I felt like I would never be happy again. I thought about my precious furry companions I still had and knew one day I would have to say goodbye to them too and feel this pain all over again. Then, at that moment, my little Princess Creepy cat snuggled her way under the blankets and started nibbling on my fingers. Boots then also jumped onto the bed and after purposely stepping on Princess, who let out a sound of disapproval, snuggled up by my head. I couldn't help but smile and decided to live in the now. I had my bad day, tomorrow would be better. And you know what? It was!
We are allowed to have bad days, they are part of the healing process.
May love always guide you and light always protect you.
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